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Hi I'm Bianca, eighteen years of age and about to take the world by storm x

It’s seems so trivial how something so small can make me stop and just ponder.

I keep scrolling past his name on snapchat and realising that he has ceased to exist and I still can’t fathom the fact that someone our age could be gone just like that. 

I find it so strange that the loss of someone I barely know is having such a significant impact on me. Someone who I would’ve seen in passing every day, to the time we’d met properly, to the briefest of conversations online.

I don’t feel like I deserve in any way to be saddened by the loss of someone who I knew little of but the profound impact it is having on my old school community and the people I know brings nothing but sadness to my mind. Even more so the fact that I admired this person in year 12 as I saw that he had achieved a high ATAR, someone who was clearly destined to go far in life, has vanished off the face of this Earth. 

Only last week the world lost an renowned actor and together we mourned. On that same day I overheard a lady discussing one of their mutual friend’s own depression and in my mind I thought ‘we need to be doing something.’ 

As a society we need to speak up more. As people we need to support one another. 

I feel compelled to do something about this issue. Knowing that it is hitting some people very close to home only makes me more determined to make a change.

It hurts that many have been lost in the time society says they’re going to take action or make a change but in light of recent weeks we have to do something. We have to speak up for those who can’t see the light. 

May you find solace in the paradise that awaits you.

I always wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. 

Seeing as I am full of an incredible amount of self loathing at the moment I thought I would cheer myself up with a list of things I am grateful for this year: 

  1. Starting at my dream university studying my dream course. 
  2. Meeting two amazing people who I’ve managed to click with straight away. 
  3. My family becoming closer & stronger. Always having Nonno to guide us 
  4. Becoming more appreciative of existing friends I have because they’re the ones who have been there since year seven (shout out to Jonah) 
  5. Volunteering with V8 super cars which led me to an internship the next weekend and a great relationship with a media manager 
  6. Becoming closer with my Dad! 
  7. Learning how to rely on myself for my happiness and coming to the realisation that there won’t be someone there who can make me smile. It’s up to me to think positively every single day. 
  8. Getting my licence and becoming an adult - that one is scary. Despite the fact that I don’t have my own car I still feel somewhat independent. 
  9. The countless amounts of PBs I have been smashing at the gym lately. To think I hopped off the band wagon for so long makes me regret the stupid food choices I made or lack of exercise I was doing because I thought I was ‘to busy.’ I’m not turning back, not again. 
  10. I’m grateful to be living and breathing everyday. Things aren’t always amazing and there are days like today where a certain sadness feels as if it is engulfing me but I am managing to position my frame of mind into a positive one. 

Being 18 is shit. I had more fun when I was younger. I’m sick of these four walls. I’m sick of being so frustrated with my life and not being able to do anything about it. I’m sick of not going out with people on the weekend. I’m sick of how this shit turned out because every time something goes wrong I’m the one who is the weakest. I’m the one who it is easiest to pin the problems upon. And apparently I’m the easiest one to forget.